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My normal work attire is a nice looking shirt and a pair of jeans. with the recent weight loss and my unwillingness to go into the closet to get the smaller jeans out, i thought it'd be fun to play dress up, and hey, if i could feel more adult in the process? i'm in my late 20s. Perhaps i should try it. 

This morning featured a search for pantyhose, dusting off (literally) of my heels, and digging a skirt out of the back of my closet. i did my makeup rather tamely, just some concealer on the eyebrows, lip gloss, eyeliner and mascara, and set my hair in hot rollers for 15 minutes. 

The result? I turned a lot of heads today - that was new and different. Lots of questions as to if i was going on a job interview, but very expected. Wearing a skirt in a room of boys has certainly reminded me how to sit like a lady - i am ashamed to say that's lapsed since i started working in this environment. (when i was 19! yikes!) 

Tomorrow i'm seeing Dashboard Confessional @ Marquee theater. I'm planning on going from work to the venue, and i found the cutest sun dress at Ross that i can wear to the show. It's rather showy with the bustline, so i'm going to put a shirt over it.. i'm hoping i can pull off the more casual skirt look at work. It will for sure be the first time in years. Yes, i'm very very very nervous. But hell, there's a space for being nervous and then there's a space for bravery, and i feel confident i can be brave in my clothing choices! 

Mar. 22nd, 2011

 Just finished listening to "God is not Great" by Christopher Hitchens. Very, very interesting and enlightening book, at least to me. It's brought up a point that i wish i had the balls to say in other forums (i'm looking at you, facebook).

Why do people in general feel the need to tell people who are bereaved or who are going through a hard time or maybe need an extra push that prayers are being offered on their behalf? If the prayers were effective, wouldn't the person in need no longer be in need? Moreover, if, as is customary in the mormon church, the prayer offered is for 'not my will, but god's be done', why pray at all? Would petitioning their god assist in any way if you put that kind of disclaimer on that? Isn't that a little haughty of the 'meek' to think that saying these words will catch the ear of the creator and the path will be different? 

I have a coworker who is a dear man who has been through quite a lot. His wife lost a battle with cancer less than a year ago and he has found great comfort in the religious practices they shared. I don't begrudge him this at all, but when he comes over with his kindly eyes to say that he's lit a candle and offered a prayer on my sister's behalf, and i'm supposed to say 'thank you'....? 

I understand it's an easy statement to make when there's not much that can be said. Psychologically though, if a friend who you believe is more in contact with god were to say "I'm praying for you" should that influence your outcome? what happens if someone who you know has had a hard time following the letter of their religion, and thusly might not be in favor with their god, who says "i'm praying for you".. does that prayer count less in your mind? what of your god's? 

My sister says she felt a lot of the prayers during her ordeal - she also had a lot of people offering their verbal support who showed up. it was only after the first initial few days that she found that comfort gone, and assumed people stopped praying for her. Of course, this was renewed a week and a half later at the funeral, when they were "blessed" to hear the stake president (one level higher than the bishop) speak at her son's funeral unexpectedly. His comments? Mostly about how he's jealous of bishops - bishops get to know the congregation, where if this guy goes to the supermarket, other people recognize him, but he doesn't know who the people are. Regardless, this man was higher up in the hierarchy of the church, so they felt extra-blessed that he took time out to come to the funeral and offer a prayer. ("wasn't that wonderful?" i heard family members comment afterwards.)

My mom's side of the family spams on a facebook group constantly. There's been a lot of loss, and medical issues - just in the last 3 weeks, one of my cousin's kid's came down with a low-whitecount blood disorder, we lost a great-aunt in the family, another aunt's nephews had to have major brain surgery, and now a different aunt is 35 weeks along and in the hospital expecting twins. 

My blackberry lights up constantly with comments on these facebook posts. "i'm praying for you" from my mother, from my aunts, "offering prayers for you! hugs!" it's everything i can do to mash down what i want to scream - (not unlike the last blow up my parents and i had) "Do something! Show up! Be there!" 
Ok, back to work. just had to get that out. 
 i'm slowly becoming more comfortable in my own skin. i think it has a great deal to do with the fact that i'm on my own and get a quite a lot of time to myself but i'm finally adjusting to the way my head works. it's been nice, and quiet. very much so. 

chants like 'born this way' and others are running through my head. while the song itself may not be the most unique piece of genius-try out there, i'm grateful for this phrase in my life right now. when i begin doubting things i've said, actions i've done, or in general just down on myself, i can hear "born this way-eh, i'm on the right track baby i was born this way-hey" and smile and keep going. i'm shocked that i'm letting pop influence me like this, because it doesn't feel like a 27 yr old thing to do. none the less, here i am, and that's what's in my head right now. 

also, i'm giving myself a free pass, because i'm 26 for four more days, and i was born this way :) 
 Sometimes all you need is good music. Here's what i'm enjoying the last few days: 

-A Little Respect, Erasure 
-Rio, Duran Duran
-She moves in her own way, the Kooks
-Black Horse & the Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall

Surely there's more, but these are the ones specifically that are cheering me up these days. 

What's your go to "Joy" playlist? 

Writer's Block: Walkin' the line

Do you prefer being the good cop or the bad cop?

 I can be the good cop as long as there is a bad cop. Unfortunately, there is rarely a bad cop, especially when it comes to parenting at home, so i'm usually the bad cop. 
my previous post to be continued later, but i'm not going to write about what i'm not thinking about right now. 

The New car is being broken in very gently. It's a pretty sweet little ride, and my brother in law detailed it for me, making it sparkle for a very good price. The new car does not have an auxiliary input, but it does have a premium sound system with a 6 disc in dash cd changer. I am loving listening to albums, and my iPod is loving the lack of battery drainage. Between listening at work and in the car, it was getting quite the workout! 

Last night i attended a wedding reception at a co-workers house. She invited lots of former coworkers who now live (and love) in Saratoga, NY and San Fran, CA. Getting to hang out with all of them was priceless, but near the end, just hanging out with those i currently work with was equally if not more uplifting. A gal i've worked with for years who i've been very friendly with (those you share chocolate martinis with, you keep :)) put on Howard Jones' One to One, track 3 - "All I Want", which has been my anthem for 8 years. I love that song, and, if possible, i love her even more for throwing that in there. We danced and sang the entire track. Very, very uplifting :) 

Night before last i finally got to see Conan O'Brien's legally prohibited from being funny on tour show. It was funny, way more musical than i thought it was going to be, and genuinely adorable. I'm hoping TBS puts his new show online - i don't want to have to rehookup cable just to watch Conan. Also, Obama for everything everyone says about him, got Leno GOOD this weekend at the White House event. I love Jay bashing, also, i can't wait for the 60 minutes interview. Yippee!!! 


three years ago the vps made a decision to use this naming convention for team names:  "<region> - <initial of first name of manager>".

I swallowed and went with it, because who am i to argue with VPs
these were in use for a year, then they were phased out when they were no longer applicable. 

today someone was discussing a spreadsheet she found somewhere that referenced these. She brought up that this naming convention was used and she had to go back and look it up. 

this was in a meeting with several people. one of my dotted line "superiors" turned around to me and exclaimed "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!??!"

I get that it's not my fault. i get it was other people's decisions - that's not what's bothering me. 

the tone used in front of others - the exasperated fucking belittling tone in front of other people - THAT'S what's bothering me. 

i gotta get over this. i gotta work with this guy... but.. damn. There's a lot of gritting my teeth today. 


Apr. 15th, 2010

i'm in love with Hank Moody. that is all.  

3 things

Today I found a blog of a woman who is so indelibly authentic that I almost caught my breath. I've learned 3 lessons from her so far in the hour or so I've been catching up with her blog, and they've got me so excited I can't wait to enact them in my own life. (Never mind its 10 AM on a workday and I really should have been, uh, working).
Lesson 1) Make a list of all the questions you want to be able to answer by the end of the month (slight variation from the end of the year she used- I'll be more motivated to do it if it's a monthly thing)
Lesson 2) When you feel jealousy about to strike, make a list with three columns to help me analyze Who/What/Why. Its better than gossip, or other hurtful things that could be said in place of analyzing.
Lesson 3) red lipstick. Use it, wear it, out of the house!!!
I just bought my first ever Red Lipstick- Revlon has a great Colorlast line right now. Yesterday a friend came over, and I did my hair and makeup in a way I never would have if I'd been going out-
* 2 pigtails, sitting higher up on my head and about an inch apart
* White eyeliner (looks like whiteout if applied too thick!)
* Red Lipstick.

I'm searching for the confidence to wear it out of the house- I'm thinking I may rock it during the move tomorrow!
The Move-
This will be an exercise in facing my fear. We've lived in this apartment for 3 years, and I've done a lot of shopping to make up for the erosion in our marriage over that time period. We're looking for a fresh start. How are we gonna do this? By not packing.
We will only bring essentials to the new place. Beds, dressers, food, hair stuff, clothes, toys, CDs and DVDs, and computers. Everything else that we don't need? Stays.
The move is happening tomorrow- Paul and I both took Thursday off to accomplish this feat. Only 4.5 boxes are packed- One box Marissa did of all the stuff she loves (as she won't be there to watch them get moved) The rest (3.5 boxes) are CDs.
After we get everything we'll keep, the rest will be sold or given away. I'm hoping our houses and lives and selves will feel lighter for not hauling this stuff around! We'll see...

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Doctor's office called me, read several different stats and numbers from my bloodwork, and used the phrase "requires intervention". Uhhhh... That phrase has been kicking around in my head- do I need to be on vitamin D pills? Calcium pills? Something else entirely? A complete new diet ordered down from my doctor? So many questions, to be answered by my doc this morning. Color me frightened.

The apartment move is coming up in a week. I haven't packed anything at all. I'm thinking I'm being blocked by an inability to get past the fact that I have no eartly idea what the layout looks like. I've been shown 3 different apartment styles by 2 different ladies and told "yes, this is what this layout looks like", but the layouts on the site don't corroborate what they are saying. I'm nervous that Thursday when I go to sign papers, the apartment I think I'm getting will not be the apartment I get. I will be for a *WEEK*!

Work is getting hard. My dream job is being handed off to some intern. My new responsibilities involve talking to people outside of my department and consultants outside the company. Irrational fears stemming from Higgenbotham abound. Will I be knowledgeable enough not to get hung up on immediately by these people. Will I be successful in LETTING GO of all the processes I've created? Or will I fail spectacularly in all of these aspects and let my co-workers down by dissolving into a big, gelatinous, low-self-esteem-y goop on the floor?

Time will tell, I guess.

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